The developers of Dwarf Fortress have created a simulator of the comedy revolution, and it’s time for heads to roll once more.

Yanping Fulsome died a martyr. I met him in the park, just after he had just beaten an amateur magician to death for his position on electoral reform, and our camaraderie was immediate and firm. His talents as a locksmith were invaluable, and together we were the voice and hands of the liberal revolution: a silver tongue and ten dexterous fingers, capable of luring almost anyone to our side and stealing the rest overnight.

But we got sloppy. Yanping took one on his left arm while robbing a downtown apartment block (liberally). An ultra-conservative construction worker stayed home that day and raised eyebrows when he noticed Yanping stuffing his pockets with jewelry and iPads. It was a matter of minutes before the DethSquad officers showed up.

(Image credit: Bay 12 / King Drake)

Neither Yanping’s 9mm pistol nor his bodyguard Rane (a black belt martial artist I flirted with so much he committed himself to a life of terrorism) could stand up to them. Rane went down first, and Yanping – soft and sentimental Yanping – wasted time dragging her body to the elevator before succumbing to her injuries, one button away from escape. I replaced him with a 46-year-old football coach named Donovan. Donovan sells pot brownies to further the cause instead of dying in an elevator shaft. In fact, we’re making more money now.

We need a slogan!

Leave a Comment